I rode Rol today. I probably should have ridden yesterday but the heat whipped me. So today I rode right after feeding and turning out. It was threatening to sprinkle rain and completely overcast and still cool and very very nice. We went out and walked the hill. We trotted maybe less that usual and cantered maybe a bit more than usual, trying to get her to relax into that left lead, not lean. She started out funny on that side (we’d cantered right first then took a walk break then trotted some more) in that as soon as I slid my right leg back, she sorta kicked at the leg and sorta bucked and as she usually does tried to turn inside out. I get the lead so long as I don’t let her turn inside out. But she was all funny about everything by that time so I just tried to bump her a little with the inside leg, remembering Andre talking about not bullying with it, guiding with outside rein, up off her back, trying to get her to relax, and when she did relax just barely ask for the idea of inside bend. That one little sequence was really the only thing out of the ordinary. We took it easy but we did walk the hill.
I was bad in that I could have ridden Bart too, in that I had permission and time, but when I had time the sun was shining and it was hot and I just didn’t want to make myself sick from the heat.
The latest thinking on Rol's soundness is the possibility of a stifle issue, which makes some sense since several of her offspring have stifle issues and her stifle is pretty straight. But she’s always, since Lisa has had her, been sound in the stifle. They may ex-ray it but I think that might require a clinic trip.
I’m tentatively scheduled to ride Rolinette for you, Mr. not Pierre, Saturday. I’m looking forward to it. It also scares me although scare is not really the right word. I want, you know, to be a brilliant rider. I am, you know, not. Not exactly. I guess I still harbor the belief that I can be. Maybe not brilliant but good in my own right, with my own special strengths. You will help me in that and this little lesson is a step in that journey. And I would give anything to see me with your eyes. At the same time, it unnerves me to be seen by those eyes. I would like to know what Lisa sees too and at the same time the thought that she would see me clearly unnerves me. I’m not expressing this well because it is all smushed up like a balled up piece of white bread inside me. I always want more. I think I have things to offer in many directions. I always enjoy the stretch. I need the stretch too because without it cleaning stalls just isn’t that much fun. It isn’t bad but it isn’t the thing. I like taking care of the horses, I like noticing stuff, I like reading them, knowing what is going on, I like trying to communicate what I think is going on and what I think will help, I like riding and whenever I’m on a horse I’m pretty much having fun, I like watching people ride (even if I try to keep my mouth shut when I want to say, try this, or, I think this is what is happening), I like the intellectual challenges, I like the camaraderie, I like pretty much everything but I need the stability and the change too.