Wednesday, May 28, 2014

only a four hour panic attack

It was only a four hour panic attack.  It reminded me of a time long ago but that wasn't what it was, not exactly anyway.  I was scared because I was sitting there watching the class I was supposed to be in do things that I knew would be challenging to impossible for my horse and me, and instead of being in that class, we would be in a MORE advanced class where I KNEW we weren't going to be able to do . . . anything?  A lot anyway.

And so I had a panic attack.  And then I relaxed into it.  Show me in clear relief what I do not know and how to get there.  Of course it wasn't comfortable.  I felt like an idiot, an incompetent, a boob, a failure, defeated.  I knew just being there, however, was good for Jin.  And so we just went through it.  And I didn't cry.  And the other participants were nice and tolerant and (for the most part) helpful.  And I certainly did get a handle on what I didn't know.

But more, I *think* I got a handle on what to do about it.  Parelli has felt mostly like trying to learn and speak to horses in Spanish.  I don't know Spanish.  There are things that aren't that different; there are things that are.  There have been things that I don't understand how to understand.

And I just don't do things mechanically very well -- I either understand or . . . I don't.