Monday, March 21, 2011

ride CG ride

Well now, that was different. First thing; "CG, would you get on Tully at the end of my ride so I can see how she moves?" Sure thing. Second thing; "Are you going to ride today?" She said that because I guess I haven't been on in three weeks, certainly not since "the incident", absolutely not since the "little chat". She'd asked last week if I was going to show in April and I responded with a southern non-answer that I think drives her yankee self crazy: "I'd have to get on a horse to do that, wouldn't I?" I'm relatively sure she didn't understand then (long parenthetical deleted) what that meant, but later I think she overheard me say to someone who asked why I hadn't been riding that I'd had trouble finding my motivation for the past couple of weeks which might have been a direct enough reference for her to catch it. I don't know. Anyway, she was very nice to me and asked if I would be riding and I said, if I have time, I have to get home before very late so husband can try to fix the fuel leak on the van. "I'll catch some stalls for you," she said. And she did. And I had plenty of time.

And it was all wonderful. The details are that getting to do it made me doubt myself more than I have in the last few weeks. Those words aren't quite right. I know I can really do it, I just need to feel my way and I worry, I guess, about getting thrown (or throwing myself) too far into it, over my head . . . But I also know, deep down, that I can.

Husband said that if Lisa was going to change our relationship, it would be only slowly, and that is fine with me. What I mistrust is the appearance of change without any real change. But I also mistrust too much and too abrupt of change. So I'm still in the market for a job. But Lisa is one that I'm "interviewing" by her actions. And right now the first she heard of a new job wouldn't be the two week notice.

Friday, March 18, 2011

$8/hr doesn't buy you a friend

My sleep is extremely variable in its quality. Sometimes I sleep like a log. Sometimes it eludes me. Sometimes I dream, sometimes I remember, sometimes I don't. It just varies, and yes, seasonality counts although it isn't really the seasons but the time of the year that the veil is thinner.

I remember the first time my dreams warned me of something. It was just a bad work situation, a situation that had been most excellent and that in a period of a few months had deteriorated to untenable. Ah but I'm tenacious so I was holding on, trying to make it be better. So my dreaming self took over. Every single night I was being chased and things were blowing up. Chased. Blown up. Shattered to wakefulness. Until finally I figured it out. It is work doing this to me, creating these dreams. I made an appointment with my boss. He blew me off. Three times. I turned in my two week notice and then was sick for two weeks. When I'm done, I'm done.

Sometimes being done comes slowly like that. Sometimes it comes suddenly, like it did the other day. About 9 am on March second. Done. Still, the realizations come more slowly.

So last night I had a dream, a very vivid dream, and I really hope to heck it is just a warning dream and not a prescient dream. My dad told me he had some bad news for me, that Riddle and Rood was suing me for sixty-four million dollars. Now, just so you know, my dad's been dead eleven years this year, and Riddle and Rood is the huge veterinary practice across the street from the Kentucky Horse Park. As I was absorbing that (because even in a dream I'm trying to make it make sense -- why was Riddle and Rood suing me? why 64 million? what makes them think that's even in the realm of possibility?), Daddy said he had some more bad news, that Ashley (the new very good rider at the barn who Lisa has her latest shine on) had been working for them. This somehow meant that she was behind it. Oh. Ok. Deep breath.

Then I went to Rainwater, an old friend who is a philosophy professor, and he measured me for my shoe size. Yeah, now, that's more like what a dream is supposed to be like.

I have dreams. Real dreams, and some ability to back them up. I laid them on the line. I exposed myself but if anyone at all didn't realize those dreams were there, they were willfully blind. While she's been good to me, I've been good to her, and for her, too. By my becoming entirely vulnerable, she exposed herself, and how little regard she has for me, naked. I've been paid for my time and that and a "thank you" at the end of the day ought to be enough.

It isn't.

So I'm here putting my skin back on. It fits. Skin is like that. Although it may be a bear's skin.

Whenever she's nice to me, I don't believe it anymore. "Thank you" stings. $8/hr just doesn't buy you a friend. Still, I love the barn, the horses, and, yep, the people too.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011


This is kind of a place holder in that this happened today but the bulk of this story happened already and I haven't written about it yet. But here's what happened today. Heather was at the barn talking about a horse and a student, trying to fathom through what is going on with them so that she can help them. In the midst of it she said to me, "CG, you see them here, you come out and teach her and maybe you can see what is going on." Me, who was just told it would not ever be possible for me to teach, train or ride there. I did not talk to her, yet, about it but obviously she quite naturally sees me as a competent professional, a peer not an underling.

Husband said, "Write this down. Lisa is the only person who doesn't see you that way and you need to collect the evidence so that you believe yourself." Or something like that.

I gotta get back on that horse and ride.

Which, another funny thing today. I talked to Rolinette about the situation, more in depth than I had to this point. And I told her I wanted and needed to hear what she had to say. But of course, she just looks at me and listens with that soulful eye then walked over to me and put her forehead on my chest in the most amazing way. Later, after I'd taken her out of her stall to clean it (rain kept everyone inside today), taking her back to her stall she stopped, she looked in the wash rack, and she tried to go into the wash rack. That's where we'd groom and tack up if I were to do such a thing. It was her way of telling me to get back on that horse and ride.

I truly needed both those things.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

or maybe not

maybe. maybe not. Maybe that's how it always is. Time for something different maybe. As much as you hate new things. Time for something different. Time for something. I am here only for as long as I'm amused and I was very not amused today.