Monday, March 21, 2011

ride CG ride

Well now, that was different. First thing; "CG, would you get on Tully at the end of my ride so I can see how she moves?" Sure thing. Second thing; "Are you going to ride today?" She said that because I guess I haven't been on in three weeks, certainly not since "the incident", absolutely not since the "little chat". She'd asked last week if I was going to show in April and I responded with a southern non-answer that I think drives her yankee self crazy: "I'd have to get on a horse to do that, wouldn't I?" I'm relatively sure she didn't understand then (long parenthetical deleted) what that meant, but later I think she overheard me say to someone who asked why I hadn't been riding that I'd had trouble finding my motivation for the past couple of weeks which might have been a direct enough reference for her to catch it. I don't know. Anyway, she was very nice to me and asked if I would be riding and I said, if I have time, I have to get home before very late so husband can try to fix the fuel leak on the van. "I'll catch some stalls for you," she said. And she did. And I had plenty of time.

And it was all wonderful. The details are that getting to do it made me doubt myself more than I have in the last few weeks. Those words aren't quite right. I know I can really do it, I just need to feel my way and I worry, I guess, about getting thrown (or throwing myself) too far into it, over my head . . . But I also know, deep down, that I can.

Husband said that if Lisa was going to change our relationship, it would be only slowly, and that is fine with me. What I mistrust is the appearance of change without any real change. But I also mistrust too much and too abrupt of change. So I'm still in the market for a job. But Lisa is one that I'm "interviewing" by her actions. And right now the first she heard of a new job wouldn't be the two week notice.

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