I've had a couple of opportunities come up in the past couple of weeks, and the truth is, nothing makes me feel more insecure. What if I fail? But that quickly morphs in to,"What is failure?" And then the definition of what I DO want to do. I don't want to have the opportunity to ride this horse because I want to compare myself to someone else, but for what I can (in a small way) offer this horse and this horse's person. I don't want to help this person become more comfortable on her horse in order to prove myself to anyone at all but for what I can (in a small way) offer this person and her horse.
And usually I don't really know what that is.
And then the insecurity again.
And how do you teach lightness? I'm just starting to figure it out myself, maybe, and there are layers upon layers.
I think I'm not ambitious. I don't have an ambition to "make" a bridle horse, just a decent snaffle horse. A light snaffle horse. A bold snaffle horse. A willing snaffle horse. A horse I could open a gate with, cross a stream with, push a cow with, gallop a cross country jump with. All with grace.
I just like playing with horses. I just like that moment.
I dislike proving, testing in that way where "failure" is not interesting information but basis for judgment.
I'm beginning to learn to not look at how someone doesn't do something, but at how they do do it.
I used the affirmation for a long time, "I have something to offer." I'm just not sure what that is.