Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Laid Low

TMI: it started with a cough that wasn’t from sinus. Progressed to fever and aches with more cough. More fever. Then my head exploded, a big gaping red hole over my left ear and eye that I had to keep a pillow pressed into to keep everything in there from leaking out. The fact that I was freezing was also helping to keep it from leaking out. When the worst of that pain lessened and moved to the back then the other side of my head, then I got hot, burning hot, and puked nothing but bile. Four times. In the middle of the second night my kidneys felt like they were cutting their way out of my back. Daybreak was the first sign I’d had that I might actually get better at some point in the distant future. Now I am just sick - hacking and sneezing and blowing and aching - not dying anymore, and maybe even gradually getting better.

October has been a month of horse opportunity for me. I’ve gotten to ride Rolinette regularly, work at a big horse show, trail ride, be in the fun show with the girls, and even to ride Bart in a lesson with Andre.

I simply cannot do this much, stress this much (even when it is good and pleasant stress), go this much. When the kids were small and I was strictly a SAHM, I seriously tried to never “do” more then two things in a week - generally no more than two trips to town for any reason in a week’s time. We didn’t pick this life out here in the sticks in order to go go go all the time. We’ve always felt that time spent here, with each other, doing simple things like eating home cooked meals together, would be how we defined success. A long long time ago I figured out that the pace of my life needed to be slow . . . if it wasn’t slow, I made mistakes. If the pace of one's life is too fast, one misses things.

Ah, but horses. My chance with horses. When I first got Duke, it became obvious to me that I simply breathe better with horses than without horses. When I got the barn job, it became obvious to me that I was happier still with those horses and those horse people in my life. And with the barn job, I always wanted and hoped for more opportunity - to ride, to teach, to do anything responsible and horse-y. And I got it and I did it and I got sick from doing too much too much.

Oh, I’m not saying I could entirely avoid the flu virus if I didn’t do too much: I’m just saying that its part of it, it feeds into it. Everything is connected. There are no coincidences. What I’m saying is, I’m paying attention. I acknowledge.

I have to figure out how to do it all AND slow down. Does that sound crazy? I don’t think it is crazy though. Part of slowing down is just being aware to hear the slow beat of the cow chewing her cud - be aware of that and keep that as the bass beat of my life. Part of it is knowing that saying yes to everything is not how one does it all. I have to be more present in all of it - at home, at rest, at the avocation.

Lisa says for me to come ride Friday for Andre anyway, and I will if I feel like it, no prep rides notwithstanding. If I feel like it, I’ll go in on Thursday and ride Rolinette because otherwise we’re going to have to go intro in the November schooling show instead of training. But Saturday, Halloween, and making sure all on the farm is ready for Halloween, that’s all family.
Just to keep all rides on here too, I did ride Rolinette last Friday and Saturday, neither strenuously but both adequately. Friday was mostly a tune-up for the show coming up and we trotted the entire arena and she and my daughter schooled the trail class, and my other daughter and a different horse had costume fittings.

Saturday was the fun show. Husband actually decided to come even though I had rather encouraged him to just stay home. These sorts of standing around and waiting things drive him batty. But we walked in and very soon daughter did the trail class since you could do it at any time. Lisa had suggested that I take Rolinette in the arena during a schooling break but that would have meant tacking her up very early and . . . well, I just don't like overdoing the schooling. Some horses need more than others, true. I think Lisa still thinks I should have done that as she commented that Rolinette was "tense" "without any warm-up at all". Well, she was somewhat tense in the scarey end of the arena where there had recently been killer cows on the other side of the fence but I'd schooled that two days already with just minimal improvement. I could make her do it but to do that just made her more tense, not less. And I did warm her up, just in the other arena . . . and then we did stand and wait for the class. Anyway, I thought she did well. It is funny in that I realized I'm actually less nervous for competition than for lessons. We got a third in our class . . . and I was so proud of Dianne that she and Adonis beat us! Daughter in trail got a fourth (in a very big class), and daughter in costume got a medal, and we all got to go home where I then realized I was getting sick. There ya have it.

No comments: