Tuesday, September 1, 2009

second chances

I’m not much of a “second chance” sort of girl. I don’t think that you “get over” stuff, or “put something behind you and get on with your life”, or get forgiven -- not of something really serious without real changes in behavior proven over time anyway. I find it easiest to talk about in gardening metaphors . . . if you were told not to water the potatoes and you did anyway and they rotted, that’s what you get, rotted potatoes (not forgiveness); but if you plant a crop sequentially every two weeks then you provide yourself the best chance of having a good abundant crop continuously and if one or more of those planting fails, so what (no forgiveness needed).

So maybe what I’ve done is planted seeds sequentially but when it appears unbidden in my mind it is, “this is my second chance”. I never ever thought I’d have a second chance. I thought I’d blown my chance and that was that. I got a lot out of it -- I got to think about who I wanted to be and how I wanted to live and do that (and find out what the limits of that were). My life was certainly far from over, but I didn’t “put it behind me”, that’s for sure. I was too determined not to repeat the mistakes. In spite of all that determination, I certainly can see the character flaws that led to those mistakes, still. And there was always the thing that was missing.

And then there was the day I saw the ad for this job. And since then the struggles to not want more. Not so much a struggle really, but still something missing, something that I have no words for. And then more opportunities, more possibilities. And when it appears unbidden in my mind, it is as “this is my second chance.” And usually along with that thought come tears. I am so sad I needed a second chance: I am so glad to have one. Both.

I did not believe it was within the field of infinite possibilities, isn’t that funny!? I guess I had knocked it out so long ago. . . . But there is also the law of detachment from specific results -- allowing for the universe to know better than you know.

I am driving horses to a big freaking show, I am showing, and I am getting paid to do it. Yes. I am open to all the second chances in the world of horses.

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