It was only a four hour panic attack. It reminded me of a time long ago but that wasn't what it was, not exactly anyway. I was scared because I was sitting there watching the class I was supposed to be in do things that I knew would be challenging to impossible for my horse and me, and instead of being in that class, we would be in a MORE advanced class where I KNEW we weren't going to be able to do . . . anything? A lot anyway.
And so I had a panic attack. And then I relaxed into it. Show me in clear relief what I do not know and how to get there. Of course it wasn't comfortable. I felt like an idiot, an incompetent, a boob, a failure, defeated. I knew just being there, however, was good for Jin. And so we just went through it. And I didn't cry. And the other participants were nice and tolerant and (for the most part) helpful. And I certainly did get a handle on what I didn't know.
But more, I *think* I got a handle on what to do about it. Parelli has felt mostly like trying to learn and speak to horses in Spanish. I don't know Spanish. There are things that aren't that different; there are things that are. There have been things that I don't understand how to understand.
And I just don't do things mechanically very well -- I either understand or . . . I don't.
